Sarcastically Kat

Prayer.

Dear Father,

Is it that the way to start. I’m not really formal in the way I pray. In all the many ways I can talk to you, I choose to be quiet, yet I know you are the answer to all my troubles, to my racing mind, to my dreamless sleeps. I am here for your hands to guide. Lead me into the path you want me to travel. I am listening. I am willing, but forgive for I am stubborn soul. I want things life to be easier and sometimes I am overwhelmed that I completely lose focus of what’s really important.

I pray for the peace that you give me when I am upset. My heart is sad because I do not deserve your love. But you give it anyways. I don’t want to have to keep apologizing for things I do, when I know your son has died for me. I want to be a well rounded person that is kind, loyal and a decent person worth of your love, yet i see the ugly in myself. I want to be free and soar with you, but You tell me not yet. Not yet, have patience. My patience runs thin and I am fall into deeper sadness and I want to know. I want to be loved. I know I have beautiful friends who love me, but I’m talking about love from story books. Someone who will love me and kiss me and tell sweet things. To hold me when I’m sad or having a bad day. Who will wake up and first thing on his is me. My self esteem is not up to par. I am so clueless in the field of love. All I know I am a good person, I deserve someone and I should let that someone find me, but what if I’m supposed to find him. I know Stan is not right for me. I just become desperate and don’t care if the guy is bad, but I know that’s not what I need.

This summer I plan on doing something great, make a difference. I don’t want to sit around the house and eat myself away. I was made for a purpose, Your purpose and I’m not gonna waste time. Give me the strength to finish my homework tomorrow after church. Give me the motivation to excel for You. I will make good grades because I am on Your path and I do not want to disappoint You. I have a problem with that. Disappointing people. That’s the thing that I fear and makes me mess up when signing in front of Gay. I Pray for Katy, because I do not get along with her as I used to. But I am not the type of person to wish ill well on anyone. Lately I have found myself turning into a person that I would never like. And I’m truly sorry.

And if Interpreting is not in the path you’ve laid out for me, give me a sign! I can’t stand feeling like I can’t do this. I need the inspiration and motivation back. I wanted it so bad, but now since it’s starting to get hard, My mind is reverting to mantra of giving up. But as for the moment I won’t. Yes, I’m angry, but I could never be angry with you, not truly. But I’m angry at myself.  Because I want to give up and I shouldn’t. That I shouldn’t forget my homework, I should be better. But I always fall short of what I want.

I am mad at myself for wanting so expensive that I’m not even paying for. I should be happy with everything I have, and not be wanting for more. I have a car, a phone, with internet access. I’m angry at myself because I don’t have a close relationship with my father, or grandmother. Is that because of my mother poisoning my mind? Or is it because I’m so selfish. I am a horrible for wanting her to die. I don’t want her to die, but just not live with us. How could she say that I didn’t love her?

How could all this anger be so poisoning? I bottle everything up because she gets mad if i tell her these things. And why I am like this? Self-sabotaging? My computer is busted, my phone is busted. Things just seem to fall apart around me. I push my grandmother out of my mind because if I think about her I will cry.

Thank for listening to everything that I’ve had to say. My mind has slowed and not I’m just tired. 

Amen.

Love Kat.